Summer, but not summer

It's summer, but not summer. Taking classes during the summer months is the WORST idea anybody ever came up with. I can't concentrate at all, have no motivation EVER for studying, and just want to laze around all damn day and soak up the sun. School of Nursing: heed my words.

So I am sitting in my friend's apartment in Minnetonka, Minnesota chillaxin away and it is pretty fantastic I have to say. We have been friends for a LONG time, but we both go to different schools and have different tracks we are on, so it's hard to see each other. I love her though, because whenever I see her, we pick up where we left off. She's pretty amazing: SO smart, beautiful, top athlete, I am proud to call her friend.

I'm so happy for her. She's started a whole new chapter: branched out, MOVED somewhere. We were talking about that last night: how it seems like everyone is afraid to fly the coop for a while. Yeah, it's scary, let's be honest, but I don't think I could live with all the 'what ifs' if I DIDN'T. It was like I resolved earlier: I want my life to be something amazing, and it's so good to be connected with someone who shares that interest. I find the more "cosmopolitan" I become, the smaller the world gets, which is weird and comforting at the same time.

My current obsession is trying to scrounge up some money to go to Africa next year for my elective. It's going to be an amazing trip where we provide basic health services, do exams and whatnot, and ends with a Safari! I have always wanted to go to Africa and do something like this, so I really hope that I get the trip. If not, there is always the Peace Corps, which I am planning to do in the next few years. I can't decide if I want to go to a Spanish-speaking country so that they can use my skill, or if I want to go somewhere COMPLETELY foreign and unfamiliar. We will see.

I have also been thinking a lot about dating. I've "dated" several guys over the past few months, and I think I'm finally becoming OK with the concept of dating for the sake of dating. Before, from the Catholic school perspective, dating is about finding your husband/wife. Which, let's be real, it IS at some point but dear Lord that's a lot of pressure! Think about it: if you go into every relationship or on every date with that thought in the back of your head, how are you supposed to have a good time?! I remember the first guy that I dated I thought, well... treat it reverently and tip-toe around because he may be Mr. Right. It was so neurotic and weird, and I scared myself off. He WASN'T Mr. Right, and all I did was freak myself out. I have come to realize though, that every person you date is one LESS person you have to date, and every person gives you the gift of knowing what you DON'T want in a person.

Dating is hard. I don't like it. I've always been kind of old fashioned in the sense that I want to be pursued, and not have to be the "forward" one, but I'm realizing that is kind of stupid, I just can't seem to get around my fear of asking a guy out without sending mixed signals. There is one guy right now that I have been friends with for a long time who I may have some interest in, I'm not sure. He's really sweet, smart, funny, we like a lot of the same things, and he's just a good person. If he asked me out I would say yes, but the real dilemma is: do I ask him out if he doesn't ask me? It's always hard because you never know if they will think that is assertive of me, or if it is emasculating... Like I said: dating. is. hard. We'll just have to hope for the best!

wow...

it's been awhile. well... i'm in my fall semester. it's more than a little ridiculous on the school front. i'm taking seventeen hours (micro, anatomy, nutrition, and child development plus two labs) and that is keeping me terribly busy. i feel like i live under a rock with my textbooks. i've been up here for almost a month and i think i've watched tv maybe... three times? probably less. i'm always, ALWAYS studying. don't get me wrong, most of what i'm studying is really useful and applicable to my field, which i LOVE, but it's just so much, you know?

i've also been talking to this guy, who shall remain nameless, for about the same amount of time. he seems really sweet, but i kind of worry about him. he's soooo much more invested in it than i am. we aren't even official, and he calls me 'babe' and 'baby'. it makes me feel good to know that someone cares about you that much, but i don't know that i can reciprocate the feelings as strongly. i have serious relationship issues. in fact, i call myself "relationship retarded" because, well, i'm twenty years old, and i've literally never dated anyone. i've been on a grand total of two dates, which were my sophomore year of high school [therefore, they don't really count]. i don't know. i'm just trying to play it by ear. 

i have realized, though, that i'm not one of those giddy oh-my-god-i-have-a-bee eff girls, which i'm kind of glad about, because to be honest, i am a bit annoyed by those girls. i think pda's are completely unnecessary. he's coming up to see me this weekend, and he can't stop talking about it, so i know he's excited. i'll be glad to see him. it's just really confusing. 

also... i am definitely going to Spain single. [if i get all my paperwork in :P] There is NO WAY i'm going to be in the midst of all those amazingly beautiful men and be tied down to someone thousands of miles away. i should probably let this boy know about that. i just HATE hurting people's feelings. i'm too much of a people pleaser. and every time it screws me over. i just need to learn already!

well... that's my bit, hopefully i'll keep writing when i need a study break. 

peace out!

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