So... this one's kind of awk because A. I barely have any makeup on, B. I'm all hopped up on caffeine, and 3. Ain't no background music. I didn't realize this til I was done, and I sho'nuf wasn't going to re-record just because of that. Enjoy, and tell me what your resolutions are!!
January 2, 2012
December 27, 2011
What day is it again?
New vlog!
I didn't realize the last one was 10 MINUTES DEAR LORD. This one is much more succinct :). I have decided this project will be to document my first year as a real person. So I'm sure there will be lots of randomness to ensue. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, let's make 2012 a great year!
I didn't realize the last one was 10 MINUTES DEAR LORD. This one is much more succinct :). I have decided this project will be to document my first year as a real person. So I'm sure there will be lots of randomness to ensue. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, let's make 2012 a great year!
December 13, 2011
Remembering
Sunday, June 18, 2006
what happened to the innocence?
i was commenting on Jess's xanga and i realized a few things. i really started thinking. about everything really, but mainly the choices we make, and how we let them affect us. this is the comment basically.
we could play the 'what if?' game forever, but it doesn't really solve anything.
and i totally agree that "they" is on crack. whoever spoke the words 'high school years are the best years of our lives' needs to be shot in the face and then beaten with a stick.
living life is a lot bigger deal than we all take it for. choosing to get up every day just to do the same things we did yesterday is actually quite a big deal. every day is an adventure, a chance to learn or experience something new. we just have to realize how awesome getting up every day is, and be thankful for it, because some people don't get that chance.
and as for the choices, they are just that: choices. sometimes we make the wrong ones, sometimes we make the right ones. either way, we learn from them, and hopefully the bad ones teach us that some things just aren't worth it.
i remember when i was 8. i sat outside one day for three hours planning out my future and what i was going to be like. back then i wanted to be a horse trainer because that was, and still is the effing coolest job out there , but back to my story. so i sat and thought and thought and i had it all planned out. of course i didnt think about school and college and standardized tests and scholarships and money and stress and all of the things that would cloud my vision. and i certainly didn't think about all of the choices i would have to make about 'grown-up' issues: drinking, smoking, doing drugs.
looking back, i am a lot of the things i hoped i would be, but not the way i imagined. i thought it would be easy being a 'good kid'. i thought every choice about every issue would be black and white. i thought every day would be bright and sunny and i would saunter through life picking daisies and twirling my skirts. but, as we all know, it never happens that way. some days are just shit, nothing is ever black and white, being a 'good kid' is so hard that sometimes i break down and cry. i never imagined that life would be so difficult. i miss my naivity and innocence. there is a light though. it may be far off, but it's there. don't let go of it, because if you do, God only knows what will happen.
growing up itself really does just...suck. there's no way around it, though. every one has to go through it and usually its a giant pile of poo that we just want to end.
it's the journey and the experiences along the way that teach us how to be. they teach us how to make the right choices, and when we don't to accept it and move on. don't let your choices break you down, let them teach you. let them build you up.
... i just realized how cynical and jaded i am. it makes me kind of sad actually. i wish i could trust as easily as i did when i was young. i wish i could smile at a guy without wondering if he's imagining me with my clothes off. i wish i could take a walk by myself without carrying pepper spray. i just wish i trusted. it takes a lot to trust someone these days. God, i sound like my mother.
why do we have to grow up so fast? why is there so much evil?
what happened to our innocence?
August 29, 2011
A Dream...Postponed
So, as many of you know, I have gotten a job at Lawrence Memorial Hospital, and I couldn't be more excited! The whole process was so great, and easy. The staff seems great, and the work will be really challenging, which I'm looking forward to! I do have to say, I interview quite well; it's a life skill that I am very blessed to have, seriously. I got the job all thanks to a friend who works there, and I could NOT be more grateful to her, because without her, I probably wouldn't have even heard about it, so thanks to Karin!
I know that I talked about it for 20984 years, and built up the fact that I was just going to "pull the trigger" and move to New York City. I still plan to do that, but my priorities and rational mind made me really think about what is important to me, and made me postpone my plans. I've been told that I'll "get stuck" here once I find a job and have a place to live, but to be quite honest, I don't think so. I still have a lot of things that I want to do, and that I plan on doing. Just because I'm staying in Kansas for the time being, doesn't mean I have to put all my dreams on the shelf. Hell, maybe my life will be improved! The cost of living here is one of the best in the country, and being blessed with such a great job and such great earning power, I'll have a LOT of time to do the things I enjoy, and live really well.
When I decided to stay, one of the factors involved was that I have so many great friends, and my amazing family that live here, and I'm not quite sure I want to go and make a life for myself in another city just yet. Going to a brand new place, even with just one person you know, is scary and can be very lonely. Trust me, I've done it. My first few weeks in Spain were some of the loneliest in my whole life. I wouldn't ever take them back, but I want to be ready.
Another thing that got me thinking was that my best friend is having a baby in the spring, and of course, because I'm so cool, I get to be the godmother. HOLLA! A lot of things are going on in my family that I want to be around for, and let's be honest: people from the Midwest are, in large part, just good people. They open doors and let you pass on the highway, they say hi on the street, you have green space to chillax in. You certainly won't find that in a big city.
Having travelled pretty extensively in my life, as most of you know, I have gained a great appreciation for where I'm from, and I have internalized the fact that I can't ever let myself forget. It keeps both my feet on the ground, and humility is something I really value in a person. Sure, Kansas isn't the most glamorous place you'll ever be in your life, or the most politically progressive, or the most geographically beautiful, but there are a lot of great people that live here, and that is a very important fact to remember.
After all that philosophical blather, time to do fun things!! I've been studying my butt of for the NCLEX, and should have a date soon. Hopefully I'll be earning money by late September, and I'll get the ball rolling.
Also, my dear friend, Rachel has advised me to make this little doodie-blog into a v-log of sorts, and I think that could be fun. Prepare yourselves for ridiculousness and no makeup!
You all are tray-sures, and I appreciate each and every one of ya's, A. for reading all the crap that comes out of my head and onto this blog, and B. for jumping on my bandwagon and riding out all my indecisions with me. The support is really quite phenomenal.
I wish you all sunshine and roses, porque that is surely what I am experiencing at the moment.
Do a little dance
Make a little love
Get down tonight
I know that I talked about it for 20984 years, and built up the fact that I was just going to "pull the trigger" and move to New York City. I still plan to do that, but my priorities and rational mind made me really think about what is important to me, and made me postpone my plans. I've been told that I'll "get stuck" here once I find a job and have a place to live, but to be quite honest, I don't think so. I still have a lot of things that I want to do, and that I plan on doing. Just because I'm staying in Kansas for the time being, doesn't mean I have to put all my dreams on the shelf. Hell, maybe my life will be improved! The cost of living here is one of the best in the country, and being blessed with such a great job and such great earning power, I'll have a LOT of time to do the things I enjoy, and live really well.
When I decided to stay, one of the factors involved was that I have so many great friends, and my amazing family that live here, and I'm not quite sure I want to go and make a life for myself in another city just yet. Going to a brand new place, even with just one person you know, is scary and can be very lonely. Trust me, I've done it. My first few weeks in Spain were some of the loneliest in my whole life. I wouldn't ever take them back, but I want to be ready.
Another thing that got me thinking was that my best friend is having a baby in the spring, and of course, because I'm so cool, I get to be the godmother. HOLLA! A lot of things are going on in my family that I want to be around for, and let's be honest: people from the Midwest are, in large part, just good people. They open doors and let you pass on the highway, they say hi on the street, you have green space to chillax in. You certainly won't find that in a big city.
Having travelled pretty extensively in my life, as most of you know, I have gained a great appreciation for where I'm from, and I have internalized the fact that I can't ever let myself forget. It keeps both my feet on the ground, and humility is something I really value in a person. Sure, Kansas isn't the most glamorous place you'll ever be in your life, or the most politically progressive, or the most geographically beautiful, but there are a lot of great people that live here, and that is a very important fact to remember.
After all that philosophical blather, time to do fun things!! I've been studying my butt of for the NCLEX, and should have a date soon. Hopefully I'll be earning money by late September, and I'll get the ball rolling.
Also, my dear friend, Rachel has advised me to make this little doodie-blog into a v-log of sorts, and I think that could be fun. Prepare yourselves for ridiculousness and no makeup!
You all are tray-sures, and I appreciate each and every one of ya's, A. for reading all the crap that comes out of my head and onto this blog, and B. for jumping on my bandwagon and riding out all my indecisions with me. The support is really quite phenomenal.
I wish you all sunshine and roses, porque that is surely what I am experiencing at the moment.
Make a little love
Get down tonight
July 19, 2011
Momentous Moments
There are two things that happened this weekend that made my life.
1. My dear friends Ben and Lindsay, also known as LinzyJo married each other this weekend. I couldn't be happier for the two of them. They are absolutely perfect for each other. Lindsay was such a beautiful bride, and the whole day was nothing short of wonderous.
I never cry at weddings until the father-daughter dance. Always, always makes me cry. Just because I'm so close to my dad, and I think of how both me and Dad will be bawling like little babies when I get married (one of these decades). I certainly cried at this one. I find that I get a little more romantic and girly about the whole wedding/finding-a-soulmate thing as each wedding passes. I'll probably be the last one to marry, actually. I don't really long to be married, because I haven't found anybody who I think would be worth spending the rest of my life with yet. Harsh? Maybe. To all the guys I've dated: sorry, but it is true. Doesn't mean those guys aren't going to make some lucky girl a fantastic husband one day, I just won't be the girl. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get married.
Weddings are so great. Everybody is in such a love-y mood, and you get to spend all day with your closest friends and celebrating one of the biggest events in someone's life. It's just so great I can't even stand it. And it's not a wedding until the flower girl cries, and our little Brooke Pates certainly came through! She was definitely the Belle of the Ball. Forget the Bride, it was all about Brooke. What a little munchkin.
Also, can I please point out, that when you marry the person you're supposed to marry, know that your spouse is also marrying your family and friends. People don't think about that part of things, but it's really true. I am so proud to call Ben an extended member of my family now. He fits in perfectly to my ever-growing circle of close friends. Gives me the warm fuzzies.
Lindsay said the cutest thing to me after all the dancing and getting ready to head off in their beautifully tagged and canned car. She said, "I asked them when it all sinks in, and you know what they said? 'If you're with the one you're supposed to be with, it never sinks in. That's how you know'". I thought that was one of the most beautiful things I'd ever heard. Every day should feel like you're falling in love all over again, I love that. Sap, sap, sap.
2. My best friend in the whole wide world called me today to tell me that I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNTIE!!!!! Words cannot describe how happy I am for her and her husband. And for me. Duh. I can't to be the cool, fun aunt. Starting a family. Holy balls. We're growing up, dudes.
People are moving for graduate school, getting married, having babies. Sometimes I feel like such a worthless piece of crap because I'm just barely graduated, I don't have even a pretend relationship with anyone, I'm nowhere near ready to have any kids. The closest I'll come to any sort of commitment right now is getting a dog.
I'm so flighty and non-commital about relationships. They freak me out. For some deep seeded reasons that I won't mention on a public blog, I've been taught to have a deep distrust for men. No matter now nice, or gentlemanly they may seem on the outside, there's always something dark lurking, and they're just waiting to hurt you. I'm just really afraid of getting hurt. Also, they think with their Johnsons. I can't imagine investing all this time and energy into getting to know someone and all their quirks and habits, and then realize that either it's not going to work out, or to have the other person, who you thought you loved, leave. I would be so heartbroken. I work hard, play hard, and love with an intensity that I can't really describe. For the few people I truly call close friends, I can say that I love them so much that I really wouldn't have a problem sacrificing my life for any one of them. Wouldn't even bat an eye. So you see, if I was to invest in someone, I want to do it right. I really do need to get over that fear of getting hurt. It's not getting me anywhere. Problem is: I don't really know how.
Enough with all the drama, let's focus on the happy things in life: marriages, babies, friends and family. Those are the important things. A toast: that we always remember who we love and why we love them. Amen.
To Lindsay and Ben: may your lives be bursting with fun, love, laughs, adventure, and any other magnificent thing you can think up. I love you both.
1. My dear friends Ben and Lindsay, also known as LinzyJo married each other this weekend. I couldn't be happier for the two of them. They are absolutely perfect for each other. Lindsay was such a beautiful bride, and the whole day was nothing short of wonderous.
I never cry at weddings until the father-daughter dance. Always, always makes me cry. Just because I'm so close to my dad, and I think of how both me and Dad will be bawling like little babies when I get married (one of these decades). I certainly cried at this one. I find that I get a little more romantic and girly about the whole wedding/finding-a-soulmate thing as each wedding passes. I'll probably be the last one to marry, actually. I don't really long to be married, because I haven't found anybody who I think would be worth spending the rest of my life with yet. Harsh? Maybe. To all the guys I've dated: sorry, but it is true. Doesn't mean those guys aren't going to make some lucky girl a fantastic husband one day, I just won't be the girl. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get married.
Weddings are so great. Everybody is in such a love-y mood, and you get to spend all day with your closest friends and celebrating one of the biggest events in someone's life. It's just so great I can't even stand it. And it's not a wedding until the flower girl cries, and our little Brooke Pates certainly came through! She was definitely the Belle of the Ball. Forget the Bride, it was all about Brooke. What a little munchkin.
Also, can I please point out, that when you marry the person you're supposed to marry, know that your spouse is also marrying your family and friends. People don't think about that part of things, but it's really true. I am so proud to call Ben an extended member of my family now. He fits in perfectly to my ever-growing circle of close friends. Gives me the warm fuzzies.
Lindsay said the cutest thing to me after all the dancing and getting ready to head off in their beautifully tagged and canned car. She said, "I asked them when it all sinks in, and you know what they said? 'If you're with the one you're supposed to be with, it never sinks in. That's how you know'". I thought that was one of the most beautiful things I'd ever heard. Every day should feel like you're falling in love all over again, I love that. Sap, sap, sap.
2. My best friend in the whole wide world called me today to tell me that I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNTIE!!!!! Words cannot describe how happy I am for her and her husband. And for me. Duh. I can't to be the cool, fun aunt. Starting a family. Holy balls. We're growing up, dudes.
People are moving for graduate school, getting married, having babies. Sometimes I feel like such a worthless piece of crap because I'm just barely graduated, I don't have even a pretend relationship with anyone, I'm nowhere near ready to have any kids. The closest I'll come to any sort of commitment right now is getting a dog.
I'm so flighty and non-commital about relationships. They freak me out. For some deep seeded reasons that I won't mention on a public blog, I've been taught to have a deep distrust for men. No matter now nice, or gentlemanly they may seem on the outside, there's always something dark lurking, and they're just waiting to hurt you. I'm just really afraid of getting hurt. Also, they think with their Johnsons. I can't imagine investing all this time and energy into getting to know someone and all their quirks and habits, and then realize that either it's not going to work out, or to have the other person, who you thought you loved, leave. I would be so heartbroken. I work hard, play hard, and love with an intensity that I can't really describe. For the few people I truly call close friends, I can say that I love them so much that I really wouldn't have a problem sacrificing my life for any one of them. Wouldn't even bat an eye. So you see, if I was to invest in someone, I want to do it right. I really do need to get over that fear of getting hurt. It's not getting me anywhere. Problem is: I don't really know how.
Enough with all the drama, let's focus on the happy things in life: marriages, babies, friends and family. Those are the important things. A toast: that we always remember who we love and why we love them. Amen.
To Lindsay and Ben: may your lives be bursting with fun, love, laughs, adventure, and any other magnificent thing you can think up. I love you both.
July 5, 2011
Decisions, Decisions
Well... This summer has been interesting. First of all, I can't freaking believe it's July already. WHERE DID THE SUMMER GO?! Second of all, even though it makes me real nervous, I'm just going to pull the trigger and move. I'll find a dinky little job til I get all my stuff in order and I'll figure it out.
I have to say, my life so far has been pretty cushy. I've never wanted for anything, always been supported and had a lot of guidance. For that I will be forever grateful because I seriously probably would have gotten lost in a corn maze in all the stresses of school etc. People tell me I don't give myself enough credit because I'm smart or something, but seriously, a person is only as successful as their support system, and I am so glad that I've had one of the best a girl could wish for.
I've been searching the internet for apartments, and it is a freaking nightmare. So overwhelming, especially with no job prospects at the current moment. Because of this fact, I have decided to fly by the seat of my pants, go balls to the wall and take the plunge when moving to the Big Apple. Any more one-liners? Anyone? Bueller? But seriously, I have no plans. I've talked to my cousin about crashing with him for a couple of months helping with rent and food and such. We'll see. I'm kind of excited/terrified.
I know this is probably boring since I keep going back and forth, but moving to another state in a new city is a big effin' deal and I want to be sure that's what I want. It really, really is.
In other news, one of my best friends in the whole wide world is getting married in less than two weeks, and it's going to be such a blast. I'm so, so happy that she's found a top-notch fellow to spend the rest of her life with. We had a pretty legitimate bachelorette party this weekend down on the Plaza, drank lots of vino and played dirty games. No strippers, but there were penis straws. It was fabulous and classy.
I think that's all for the current moment. Until next time!
I have to say, my life so far has been pretty cushy. I've never wanted for anything, always been supported and had a lot of guidance. For that I will be forever grateful because I seriously probably would have gotten lost in a corn maze in all the stresses of school etc. People tell me I don't give myself enough credit because I'm smart or something, but seriously, a person is only as successful as their support system, and I am so glad that I've had one of the best a girl could wish for.
I've been searching the internet for apartments, and it is a freaking nightmare. So overwhelming, especially with no job prospects at the current moment. Because of this fact, I have decided to fly by the seat of my pants, go balls to the wall and take the plunge when moving to the Big Apple. Any more one-liners? Anyone? Bueller? But seriously, I have no plans. I've talked to my cousin about crashing with him for a couple of months helping with rent and food and such. We'll see. I'm kind of excited/terrified.
I know this is probably boring since I keep going back and forth, but moving to another state in a new city is a big effin' deal and I want to be sure that's what I want. It really, really is.
In other news, one of my best friends in the whole wide world is getting married in less than two weeks, and it's going to be such a blast. I'm so, so happy that she's found a top-notch fellow to spend the rest of her life with. We had a pretty legitimate bachelorette party this weekend down on the Plaza, drank lots of vino and played dirty games. No strippers, but there were penis straws. It was fabulous and classy.
I think that's all for the current moment. Until next time!
June 24, 2011
Confused but Wishful...
Well, I'm back to square one about jobs etc. My goal in life is to move to NYC, as I've said a bajillion times. I still want to pursue that dream with all the fervor I've ever had, but, being the over-calculating, sometimes-too-thoughtful nerdburger I am, I keep going back and forth. One of my instructors, who works at KU, said that she would put in a good word for me if I wanted a job there, which would go a long way. And in thinking about it a little more, it wouldn't be such a terrible idea. I really do like the hospital, and it fits a lot of my criteria for a job: teaching hospital, young employee population, residency programs etc. I am also a balls-to-the-wall individual, though, and part of me keeps saying "just MOVE. it's what you want anyway!!"
Sometimes I get so confused. Not all "emo" confused, ew, ew, ew, no. I mean legitimately confused. Like, weighing all my options, pros and cons list confused. If I have never mentioned this before, I'll mention it again: BEING A GROWN-UP BLOWS. There, I said it. And no, it doesn't make me feel better, I've just reiterated the fact. Boooooooo.
In other news, I have recently jacked a lot of new music from the cousins, and if you have not heard John Mayer's album Battle Studies, or Adele's 21, clearly you live under a rock and need to GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF and LISTEN!! Beautiful music. Soothes mah soul.
Well... that's all folks! Until next time.
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