Momentous Moments

There are two things that happened this weekend that made my life.

1. My dear friends Ben and Lindsay, also known as LinzyJo married each other this weekend. I couldn't be happier for the two of them. They are absolutely perfect for each other. Lindsay was such a beautiful bride, and the whole day was nothing short of wonderous.

I never cry at weddings until the father-daughter dance. Always, always makes me cry. Just because I'm so close to my dad, and I think of how both me and Dad will be bawling like little babies when I get married (one of these decades). I certainly cried at this one. I find that I get a little more romantic and girly about the whole wedding/finding-a-soulmate thing as each wedding passes. I'll probably be the last one to marry, actually. I don't really long to be married, because I haven't found anybody who I think would be worth spending the rest of my life with yet. Harsh? Maybe. To all the guys I've dated: sorry, but it is true. Doesn't mean those guys aren't going to make some lucky girl a fantastic husband one day, I just won't be the girl. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get married.

Weddings are so great. Everybody is in such a love-y mood, and you get to spend all day with your closest friends and celebrating one of the biggest events in someone's life. It's just so great I can't even stand it. And it's not a wedding until the flower girl cries, and our little Brooke Pates certainly came through! She was definitely the Belle of the Ball. Forget the Bride, it was all about Brooke. What a little munchkin.

Also, can I please point out, that when you marry the person you're supposed to marry, know that your spouse is also marrying your family and friends. People don't think about that part of things, but it's really true. I am so proud to call Ben an extended member of my family now. He fits in perfectly to my ever-growing circle of close friends. Gives me the warm fuzzies.

Lindsay said the cutest thing to me after all the dancing and getting ready to head off in their beautifully tagged and canned car. She said, "I asked them when it all sinks in, and you know what they said? 'If you're with the one you're supposed to be with, it never sinks in. That's how you know'". I thought that was one of the most beautiful things I'd ever heard. Every day should feel like you're falling in love all over again, I love that. Sap, sap, sap.

2. My best friend in the whole wide world called me today to tell me that I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNTIE!!!!! Words cannot describe how happy I am for her and her husband. And for me. Duh. I can't to be the cool, fun aunt. Starting a family. Holy balls. We're growing up, dudes.

People are moving for graduate school, getting married, having babies. Sometimes I feel like such a worthless piece of crap because I'm just barely graduated, I don't have even a pretend relationship with anyone, I'm nowhere near ready to have any kids. The closest I'll come to any sort of commitment right now is getting a dog.

I'm so flighty and non-commital about relationships. They freak me out. For some deep seeded reasons that I won't mention on a public blog, I've been taught to have a deep distrust for men. No matter now nice, or gentlemanly they may seem on the outside, there's always something dark lurking, and they're just waiting to hurt you. I'm just really afraid of getting hurt. Also, they think with their Johnsons. I can't imagine investing all this time and energy into getting to know someone and all their quirks and habits, and then realize that either it's not going to work out, or to have the other person, who you thought you loved, leave. I would be so heartbroken. I work hard, play hard, and love with an intensity that I can't really describe. For the few people I truly call close friends, I can say that I love them so much that I really wouldn't have a problem sacrificing my life for any one of them. Wouldn't even bat an eye. So you see, if I was to invest in someone, I want to do it right. I really do need to get over that fear of getting hurt. It's not getting me anywhere. Problem is: I don't really know how.

Enough with all the drama, let's focus on the happy things in life: marriages, babies, friends and family. Those are the important things. A toast: that we always remember who we love and why we love them. Amen.


To Lindsay and Ben: may your lives be bursting with fun, love, laughs, adventure, and any other magnificent thing you can think up. I love you both.

And so this is Christmas...

Since I actually HAVE time now, I think it's time for a little reflecting.

This past year has been so fantastic, it's hard to put it into words.

Let us begin: I lived in freaking SPAIN for four months of my life. I learned things there about humans and about myself that I never thought I would, and that I can't even articulate. I learned that I can handle things on my own, that I'm not directionally challenged anymore (mostly), and that I CAN live away from my family and still be ok. I realized that I want my life to be something amazing. I want to be able to tell my kids and my grandkids about my escapades. I don't want to sit idly by and watch as the world changes around me anymore. I want to be part of that change now.

I started nursing school this fall. Let me tell you it is definitely difficult. Nothing I can't handle mind you, but it's mentally taxing in a way that I didn't expect. I am really excited to be learning about things that I can teach. I am excited that I will be able to give people the help that they need at the most basic level. I am excited that I am gaining a larger and larger wealth of knowledge every single day.

Another thing that I realized extremely recently (and this is totally off-topic... kind of) is that weight loss is hard! Shit! I mean, I'm not overweight by any stretch of the imagination, but I weigh about five pounds more than I'd like, and I just can't seem to get it off, especially with the holidays and all their goodies. I don't know. Sometimes I just want to say "to hell with this shize! I like food!" and then I realize that attitude probably isn't the best for weight maintenance OR weight loss for that matter. It also blows my mind that every year it gets easier to gain and harder to lose. And that, my friends, is quite discouraging. I am coming to accept my body for what it is though. I have given up trying to look like Giselle, but let's be honest: it would be pretty fabulous to have her body. Not because all the guys want to bang her brains out, and definitely not because she probably doesn't eat but once every three days. She (and most models, let's be honest) looks good in ANYTHING, and it pisses me right off. Oh well. I have found the clothes that flatter me, and I try to eat well and exercise like I should. Things are plowing right along.

The greatest achievement, though, isn't mine this year. It's my brother's. I'm so proud of him. He just got back from a study abroad stint in Italy and France, and he had the time of his life. I'm so happy for him. A year ago, even nine months ago, I was pretty worried about the guy. He always comes into his own, just a little later than everyone else. He's never quite sure of himself until he proves his own adequacy, and this semester has done that for him. He's finally become an independent entity, and I couldn't be happier. He still gets discouraged sometimes, and has expressed that he feels like my shadow a bit, but of course that is completely untrue, and I am proud to call him my brother.

So instead of focusing on the negatives of 2009, let's live in the now, and look onward. What's passed is passed. We can't change it, we can't rewrite it. We can only hope to learn from it and move on with our lives. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, whatever your religion or beliefs, let's come together and celebrate the fact that we've all lived another year, that we all have something to be thankful for, and to look forward together.

To 2010: may we learn, may we grow, may we live.

i love

spending time with the fam. they are pretty rad, i must say. we always go over to my grandparents on sundays to make pancakes and talk about the world's problems and how we should fix them. we always play games like scrabble and build ridiculous pyramids with blocks that are five hundred years old. we always laugh about things, give each other advice, tell stories. i am so lucky. it really makes me sad when people don't have the kind of relationship with their families like i have. i can't wrap my mind around hating your grandparents. it's an impossible concept for me. i can't understand how people hate their siblings and avoid them at all costs. again: foreign concept.

i think people underestimate the value of family. yeah, you can survive without them, but how happy can you be when you have no one to turn to? when the whole world is at odds with you and you don't have the safety net of unconditional love and support that a family can give. for some, that doesn't exist, and that makes me want to cry. no one deserves to be shunned and expelled from their family. family is the one who always forgives, who nurtures you, who lets you crash at their house because you've had a bad day, or your pantry is empty [as mine quite often is. come on people! i'm in college!]. i can't express the gratitude i have for my family and how important they all are to me. it will be so hard when they all start leaving this earth. i can't imagine what it will be like. i don't want to imagine what it will be like. i'll just have to take it as it comes, just like a billion other things in life. i'm just so happy when i'm with my fam. i don't have to put on any fronts, they laugh at my jokes even if they aren't funny, they tell me when i'm being a bitch and need to cool it. they are real with me, and that's hard to find in friends.

i. love. family. the end.