Ah how things change

It has been awhile. Last semester was the craziest, most stressful period of time I have ever experienced. Believe me, I am so glad it is over. Though summer is here, I am still taking classes, which blows, but at least it's only one class: Peds. I love kids, but I don't know about sick ones. It's so hard to see them, you know? Little kids are supposed to run around and be happy and have fun, not be in a hospital fighting for their lives, or to be so disabled that their quality of life is shot to hell. I took care of a patient today that had some pretty severe developmental delays, and he was so sweet. I loved taking care of him, but at the same time, his whole situation broke my heart. We will see how this rotation goes. I have a feeling it is going to be extremely hard, but at least it's only for 7 weeks.

I didn't end up adopting a dog to my dismay. Gabriel, my wonderful, funny, smart, fantastical dog of 14 years died in May, from which I am still recovering. I get less motivated to study for tests every day, though I should probably start preparing for the NCLEX. Becca and I are planning to move somewhere big next year and start brand new lives as kick-ass nurses. Life is good right now. Busy, but good.

In other news: went to Europe for a couple of weeks, had a blast, and am planning to go to Minneapolis to see a friend in a few weeks. ALSO, I found out about an opportunity to go to Africa to provide health care, and I would absolutely LOVE to go, so I am trying to raise funds in my name to Mercy and Truth, which is the organization that plans the trip. I hope it happens because that would be amazing.

i'm so confused!

ok so that guy i mentioned earlier is no more. i called him today and let him down as gently as i could. it just sucks because i knew i hurt his feelings, and i thought i heard a bit of crying as i said my goodbyes. he came up to see me. it was good. but i realized that my attraction to him was almost purely physical. i loved it when he would wrap his arms around me, or hold my hand, but we really didn't have that much in common. he loves tv. i watch a grand total of like 3 shows. he's not academic. i'm going to graduate school. he never expressed any long term goals. i have a thousand things i want to do before i'm thirty. i just wish i didn't feel like such a jerk. it had to be done, but i still feel like a complete jerk. and i also deleted him off my friends list on facebook. that sounds terrible, but i really don't want to have anything to do with him anymore. just make a clean break. he lives an hour away from where i'm from, we don't have any of the same friends, i never have to see him again. and i told him that he would find someone else who was prettier than me, who was ready for him.

i just couldn't see past the macho, guy stuff. i realized that i can't date a "guy's guy" who watches ESPN all the time and talks to me for HOURS about what's on TV when all i really want to talk about is something important: a family story or what your plans are. it doesn't have to be that deep every time, but COME ON. throw me a bone here. i'm glad that i did it, but again, i just feel crappy for hurting him. there wasn't another way unfortunately. and i hate to be the girl that ruined his day, but i couldn't just wait around, and i couldn't do it on a bad day or else he might get even MORE depressed and i don't want to be responsible for that.

i told him that i know he's a good person and that he possesses a lot of qualities that girls are attracted to, i just lost interest. plain and simple. and i am much, much too busy to be dating anyone. i barely have time to relax for mySELF let alone putting all the effort into making another person feel better if they need it. i don't know. i'm just completely wacked, and i don't really know what to do. it sucks. this sucks.