Well son of a biscuit!

It has been quite some time! I didn't realize how long it had been since I sat down and wrote something.  I'm sure that zero people care whether or not I update you all on my life, it's more a selfish way to see myself progress and be all, "Oh, look how grown up and mature I am!". It's kind of pathetic, but I hope you'll appreciate my honesty.

Let's see... lots of things have changed since last I wrote. I am officially a day-shifter. I'M NOT A VAMPIRE ANYMORE WOO!

Which, I've only been on days for a week now and I am still in that HOLY-CRAP-THIS-IS-SO-UNCOMFORTABLE mode. It's a complete 180 from nights. There are humans around...all the time. New orders to get through... all the time. New notes to read... ALL THE TIME. It's cray. The first day kicked my ass, but it FLEW by. And I mean FLEW. So the faster pace is helpful for making the day pass. I am still missing my fellow night-shifters. They're pretty rad. Getting used to this whole thing will be a challenge, but I think it's coming at a good point in my life. I try to live by the philosophy that you should never get too comfortable because then you get complacent. I never ever want to be complacent.

I also decided shortly after my last post that I am actively pursuing graduate school. I love my job most days, but some days I find myself acting extremely cynical and jaded. I think a lot of that, toward the end of my time on nights, was related to not sleeping. I basically quit sleeping the last two months I was on nights, which was MISERABLE. I also decided that I can't be a bedside nurse forever. It's just so stressful, especially since I have this empathy "problem". Call me a baby, but I would really like to have a job where I make decent money and not have to work that hard... Is that terrible?

I just get so stressed out when my patients are teetering on the edge of going to ICU, or when they're having problems at home.

Por ejemplo, I took care of a patient the other day that, when I came on, was having a fight with their significant other. Come to find out, this significant other had an alcohol problem and the patient didn't feel safe going home since there has been some alleged abuse in the past. This person was visibly upset, we did some safety planning, and I walked them out to their car. The patient hugged me and said "thank you so much for everything you've done", when I had only been taking care of this person for literally an hour, but I worried about this person for the rest of my shift. I wanted to be sure that this person was going to be okay, and I will never know unless I see them again. Dealing with that kind of stress--being responsible (at least partially) for another human's life is a stressful thing. It takes a toll for sure.

We'll see how that changes as I am back on a normal human's schedule of sleep. I just read a blog of one of my classmates who is a nurse in the PICU, which basically prompted me to write another post. I have the greatest respect for nurses who work with kids. Sometimes when I'm at work I get so upset because of how unfair life can be for an adult. I think I would just come home and cry every day if I took care of sick kids. They didn't do anything, they're barely getting started in life! It's amazing the heart and soul Peds nurses have.

Speaking to the "getting jaded" aspect of this job--people ask me a lot how I can do what I do. It's "gross", and "so hard" and all these things that people think it is. Usually what I say is that if you can't ever detach from the people you're serving, you'll drive yourself crazy. That being said, the element of detaching makes me feel kind of heartless sometimes. I rarely cry in public, and never ever at work, [mostly because I hate people seeing me cry] but it also has a lot to do with the fact that I have built this wall that I put up when I go to work or I will cry. A lot. Empathy is a double-edged sword for shiz.

The other thing I tell people is that things that "classically" make people sad or cry don't really affect me anymore. It's the tiny little things that get me emotional--when the wife of an eighty-something little old man who is confused as hell and ripping out IV's, cursing at everyone who is trying to help him and telling everyone to leave... when she is telling him "I love you, I've loved you for sixty years, I'm not leaving you". When the teenage daughter of a patient dying from cancer doesn't say anything, just climbs in bed with her parent and holds them because she doesn't know when they will breathe their last breath. Just because she doesn't have any words left to express how much love she has for them. On Thanksgiving Day. When a patient tells me they're this close to giving up because they don't have anyone to go home to, that they don't feel like their life is worth living anymore. That. That gets me emotional.

The other thing I've started doing is volunteering with an organization in the area called MOCSA as a hospital advocate. It's definitely difficult, but I really like doing it, it's incredibly rewarding. It's been really eye-opening too as far as how common (unfortunately) sexual assault is, and how enlightening it is to know that there are people out there working tirelessly to end it. It's also really nice just to be a support. I don't have to worry about lab values, whether this person can teach-back something I'm trying to get across. I hold hands, I talk with people when they're in crisis. That's why I became a nurse, that's why I volunteer with these amazing people. We help people in crisis. Warms my black little heart.

So moving on from all that jazz... I know I said in my last post that I was going to get a cat--SCREW THAT. I traded that notion in for this little beaut.

How can you say no to that face?!

Yeah...screw cats. Bambi is pretty much the best and I love her to pieces. I adopted her in October and she has been so much fun to have around. We are still getting used to each other, and she's neurotic as hell, but she cracks me up and gets my ass moving, which, if you've seen my ass lately--it's like a shelf. 

I also started taking piano lessons again, which has been really really great. It's really nice to have someone help you achieve your goals musically, and it's always nice to have things to occupy my time so I don't, you know, keep eating my feelings or spend money. 

One last thing--my "older brother" Andrew and his magnificent girlfriend Chelsey just got engaged and I am so so so so happy for them! I'm so very excited to have Chels be a part of the insanity that is the Pirotte family, and I'm so happy that Andrew has found someone to spend his life with. She's leaving KC though, which makes me kind of sad, but again, SO HAPPY! *Sigh*.

All in all, I can't complain. I'll be able to see my friends more, I'll be able to travel more (even though my budget will be a little tighter--IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN). My next project is trying to find someone to share it with. We'll see how that goes. With the current state of affairs in the mid-twenties-marriage-and-baby-bonanza, I'm about 8 lightyears behind, which basically equates to me dying alone. 

So I'll just keep being 25 (almost) and drunk.