Remembering

Sunday, June 18, 2006
what happened to the innocence?

i was commenting on Jess's xanga and i realized a few things. i really started thinking. about everything really, but mainly the choices we make, and how we let them affect us. this is the comment basically.

we could play the 'what if?' game forever, but it doesn't really solve anything.

and i totally agree that "they" is on crack. whoever spoke the words 'high school years are the best years of our lives' needs to be shot in the face and then beaten with a stick.

living life is a lot bigger deal than we all take it for. choosing to get up every day just to do the same things we did yesterday is actually quite a big deal. every day is an adventure, a chance to learn or experience something new. we just have to realize how awesome getting up every day is, and be thankful for it, because some people don't get that chance.

and as for the choices, they are just that: choices. sometimes we make the wrong ones, sometimes we make the right ones. either way, we learn from them, and hopefully the bad ones teach us that some things just aren't worth it.

i remember when i was 8. i sat outside one day for three hours planning out my future and what i was going to be like. back then i wanted to be a horse trainer because that was, and still is the effing coolest job out there , but back to my story. so i sat and thought and thought and i had it all planned out. of course i didnt think about school and college and standardized tests and scholarships and money and stress and all of the things that would cloud my vision. and i certainly didn't think about all of the choices i would have to make about 'grown-up' issues: drinking, smoking, doing drugs.

looking back, i am a lot of the things i hoped i would be, but not the way i imagined. i thought it would be easy being a 'good kid'. i thought every choice about every issue would be black and white. i thought every day would be bright and sunny and i would saunter through life picking daisies and twirling my skirts. but, as we all know, it never happens that way. some days are just shit, nothing is ever black and white, being a 'good kid' is so hard that sometimes i break down and cry. i never imagined that life would be so difficult. i miss my naivity and innocence. there is a light though. it may be far off, but it's there. don't let go of it, because if you do, God only knows what will happen.

growing up itself really does just...suck. there's no way around it, though. every one has to go through it and usually its a giant pile of poo that we just want to end.

it's the journey and the experiences along the way that teach us how to be. they teach us how to make the right choices, and when we don't to accept it and move on. don't let your choices break you down, let them teach you. let them build you up.

... i just realized how cynical and jaded i am. it makes me kind of sad actually. i wish i could trust as easily as i did when i was young. i wish i could smile at a guy without wondering if he's imagining me with my clothes off. i wish i could take a walk by myself without carrying pepper spray. i just wish i trusted. it takes a lot to trust someone these days. God, i sound like my mother.

why do we have to grow up so fast? why is there so much evil?

what happened to our innocence?